Today was a gift. It was a stollen day. I was supposed to fly to Vancouver for a meeting, but the gig got postponed until Friday, so I had a day without appointments. A storm that was supposed to blow in this morning got stalled up Island, and its only now, at the end of the afternoon, that the sky is darkening. The morning was bright and clear and crisp; a perfect autumn day. I ran.
I didn’t really want to at first. I was a little stuck, so I started slowly in a lazy circumnavigation of Mount Doug. Maybe it was the colour of the big leaf maple leaves littering the forest floor, or maybe it was the crack in the air that pushed my lungs out and let my blood soak in lots of O2; whatever it was, I negotiated another threshold that I wasn’t expecting to cross today, and it was exhilerating.
I’ve written elsewhere that I realized just before Kathleen and I separated last August that I’ve spent most of my life believing I don’t deserve success. In life, love, business, in family matters. I’ve never felt that I deserved to fail. Only that success, true success, was supposed to be beyond my reach.
This morning, running along the forested trail on the north-east side of Mount Doug, it suddenly dawned on me that I’ve been successful in love, and not allowed myself to let it last. I have had women in my life who have loved me. Who were tender with me. Who adored me. I even felt safe with them. And I left them. I had what seemed like good reasons, both at the time, and now. I wouldn't make those decisions differently now. You can’t go back and make decisions over, and I’m not so foolish as to second guess what were carefully weighed choices at the time. But I was loved. And I left.
Something in me seems to fundamentally believe that even when I have a degree of success – for no relationship will ever be perfect – that I have to wreck it. Subconsciously (at least until this morning) I determine that I don’t deserve something so good (I can’t believe you’re with me….) and I set up conditions to make the relationship fail. I cheat. I get restless. I let my anger, my fear overtake me. I forget to be kind, to love. To love.
This might be overly simplistic. I might need to think this through, but I’ve got to say, I am really done with that. I'm done wrecking my own sucess because somehow I fear it.
I have love in my life now too. I feel safe. I feel adored. I long for the barriers to drop away. I long for what I know we both deserve.
As I raced through the stolen morning of sunshine, a riot of colour and an empty day on the calendar, I decided that I will not destroy my own sucess again. I will not settle for anything less than love in my life. I’m open to how that shows up. I’m accepting that it may appear differently than what I expect. I know it will have its ups and downs. But I deserve to be loved, to be treated tenderly, and to be treated with kindness. And my lover deserves the same: to not be subjected to my anger, to my fear.
My children deserve to have a father who is envoleoped by love. My friends deserve that too. So do the people I work with who are trying to save the world.
I am at my best when I feel loved. When I feel safe. When I am adored. When I can love, give comfort, pleasure, and adoration in return. I’m ready to accept that I deserve this. I wish that we all could see that we deserve love.
And when I experience it next, I won’t run away.
About Me
- Stephen Legault
- Stephen Legault is a writer, activist, organizational development consultant and fundraiser who lives in Victoria, BC and Canmore, Alberta. Stephen started writing in 1988. Kicked out of his high school biology class, he bought a notebook and sat down in the woods near his Burlington Ontario home and wrote some really awful, angst ridden poetry. Since then, Stephen has written for the Globe and Mail, Canadian Geographic, Outdoor Canada, Canadian Wildlife, and dozens of other periodicals and newspapers. His first book, Carry Tiger to Mountain: The Tao of Activism and Leadership was published in April of 2006 by Arsenal Pulp Press. The Cardinal Divide is the first in a series of environmental murder mysteries featuring Cole Blackwater. It will be published by NeWest Press in November of 2008. The series will combine gritty, action-oriented stories and rich human drama with real environmental and social justice conflicts. Stephen is a runner, photographer, and father of two beautiful boyz: Rio Bergen and Silas Morgen. He and his partner Jenn travel and explore the natural world of the Pacific Northwest and Rocky Mountains.